Knock knock. Who's there? The toaster. The toaster who? THE TOASTER THAT KNOWS. (silence) (it went well)
TYPE 1: FUNNIEST
A man walks into a bar. And he pays. Nobody asked him to. He's just paying.
Then he walks out. Then he walks back in and pays again. The bartender says
"sir." The man says "the one with the money is fine, I'm just the vehicle."
The bartender says "GET OUT." He gets out. 9/10.
What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell. (Delete. a dell.
Close enough. I think I laughed. I did laugh.)
I told my computer I needed a break, and now I can't get back in.
It said "sounds like you need a break." I have been in the void for 40 minutes.
Why did the toaster cross the road? To get to the other side.
It was already on the other side. It crossed back. Why?
I don't know. I think about it constantly. (6/10, but strange)
TYPE 2: TECH SUPPORT
ME: the printer is on fire.
HELPDESK: is the power connected?
ME: it's a fire. it is connected to everything.
HELPDESK: have you tried turning it off and on again?
ME: I have. I turned it off. It did not stop being on fire. It is still
being not-on. It is a very committed fire.
HELPDESK: (typing)
HELPDESK: any update?
ME: it is a fire
HELPDESK: I understand. I am unable to help. Goodbye. (this is a true story and the fire is fine now)
USER: how do i turn off caps lock?
ME: it's the little light
USER: it is on. the light. it is ON.
ME: yes
USER: how do i turn it OFF
ME: press the caps lock key
USER: (12 minutes of silence)
USER: oh
USER: i am so sorry
ME: it is fine
USER: no i pressed caps lock. so i typed in all caps
ME: it is fine.
TYPE 3: THE LONG ONE
My 5 remaining brain cells have a group chat. 4 of them are unhappy about
something. The 5th one is in charge. It does not do the work. It just
schedules the work. When Cell 1 asks "who is organising Thursday?" the 5th
cell says "I will think about it" and then never does, and then Thursday
happens anyway, and Cell 1 is furious.
We are not a good team. We are, however, the only team.
TYPE 4: TRUE FACTS FRAMED AS JOKES
Your stomach lining replaces itself every few days. So the person who
ate lunch yesterday is technically a different person. Was that lunch
worth a whole person? I think so. I think it was.
You are listening to a recording of a dead person's voice right now.
Forever. For free. In your own head. That is the deal. Nobody asked you
to agree to this. Please tip.
TYPE 5: NO PUNCHLINE, JUST HONESTY
Joke: Why did I build a website about nothing?
— because nothing was available, and I had a spare hour
SEND A JOKE
i read all of these. i only reply to the ones that make me feel something.